…and That Makes It Still Hurt

When my youngest son got home from school this week, he handed me his bookbag, walked inside, and made the same request he does every day after school…“Can I have a snack?”

Nothing unusual; it was the normal routine. I checked his bookbag for any homework or notes from teachers. None were there. I put everything up, served him a snack, and went back to a task I had started.

Upon coming back into the room, there he sat. He had not touched his snack, and he didn’t appear to be the happy little boy who had just walked through the door a little earlier. I was so confused. What could have happened in only a few minutes?

At the moment I asked him what was wrong, the big alligator tears commenced. Then he exploded into a full-blown crying fit. My eyes went wide, and I hadn’t a clue what was going on.

Sitting down, I put him in my lap. “Baby, why are you crying? Did something happen?”

He couldn’t speak; he was crying so much. So I held him and tried to console him. Repeatedly I asked him what was wrong. Finally…he muttered, “I don’t want to tell you because you might get mad, and then I’ll get in trouble.”

The thought went through my mind that he must have gotten in trouble at school, but there were no notes…that couldn’t be it. So I said the only thing I figured I could… “Well, you probably won’t feel any worse than how you are feeling right now. It’s obvious that you feel like you should tell me, or you wouldn’t be sitting in my lap crying.”

It took some coaxing, but he finally let it all out. His crying then intensified, and out of fear of the unknown reaction I might have, he questioned me through his tears. “Are you mad at me? Am I in trouble, momma?”

Bless his little heart. He couldn’t keep it to himself…even though no one had told on him. And then he had worked himself up to all of this for no reason. “No, son, I’m not mad. I may be disappointed in you, but I’m not mad, and you’re not in trouble.”

One would expect the tears to stop at that point. He should be wiping his face and perking up. Right?

Wrong! He then nestled himself in my arms and continued crying. Differently, but still, the tears were streaming down his little face. So, I thought maybe I had not made myself clear.

“Baby, did you hear me? You’re not in trouble. I’m not mad at you.” I squeezed his little self tightly and kissed him on his forehead. Surely that would help. But it didn’t.

“I know you’re not mad, momma. And I know I’m not in trouble.”

“Then why are you still crying and upset?”

“Because you’re disappointed in me, and that makes it still hurt.” Then he held me tightly and told me he loved me.

And at that moment, I realized I had made the right decision. I squeezed him back, wiped his tears, and we talked. We just talked. No punishment, no stern words to get his attention. We had a conversation about what he had done, why it wasn’t the best decision, and what he might do next time if he were ever in the same position again.

Then more hugs, more I love you’s, and sweet kisses. It took a little bit, but his tears finally stopped. And over the next two hours, he kept running back to give me hugs and at other times he would sweetly blurt out a random “I love you, momma.”

Later that night, I sat in silence,…alone with my thoughts. And I thought of Jesus.

…if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.

Matthew 7:1 NIV

He’s the perfect parent. So many times, I get it wrong. But Jesus? He never gets it wrong!

I thought of the many times I went to Him in tears. Repenting of my sinful nature that had won over at a weak moment. Genuinely sorry…I knew He would forgive me. Walking away with the tears still streaming down my face because I knew He wasn’t proud of me…yet, He always loves me!

I am not sorry that I sent that severe letter to you, though I was sorry at first, for I know it was painful to you for a little while. Now I am glad I sent it, not because it hurt you, but because the pain caused you to repent and change your ways. It was the kind of sorrow God wants his people to have, so you were not harmed by us in any way. For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There’s no regret for that kind of sorrow. But worldly sorrow, which lacks repentance, results in spiritual death.

2 Corinthians 7:8-10

He knows what we need. He knows what it will take to bring us to a place of repentance. He knows if discipline is the only way we will learn. And He also knows if just holding us and letting us talk it out is best. He knows!  

I want to remember the way my son felt on this day. Even though he wasn’t in ‘trouble’ and I wasn’t mad…it still hurt because I was disappointed in him. He understood my love for him through our talk and showed his gratitude by giving me hugs and with his sweet words.

That’s when repentance is real, I believe. It’s not about being in trouble, but it’s about wanting to please mom…or dad…or as in my case…my Father. Jesus.